Thursday, July 9, 2009

the wizardry of toto

Of the possible trips I could take now in life, which would give me cause to recall my first sexual experience, a trip to the bathroom would seem the most unlikely.

It is the most ordinary trip that can be taken and, thus, hardly an occasion to provoke the same conflicting emotions your first time having sex did. The jump-out-of-your-skin excitement. The crawl-into-a-hole nervousness. I remember feeling as if I had to wrestle past two people in the hallway before I could pass through the bedroom door. I was a wreck by the time I slipped between the sheets with Wendy as a teenager. In retrospect, I’m amazed I was able to conquer my emotions and get down to the business of losing that which is never to be found again.

Maybe a trip skydiving for the first time, or even para-sailing would possibly recall that tense thrill. But a trip to the bathroom? No chance. No fucking way.

That was before I was introduced to my friend Rob’s new toilet, the Toto Neorest.

I mean that exactly as I say it -- Rob escorted me into his bathroom and introduced me to the toilet, like we were at a cocktail party. The Neorest automatically raised its lid as I approached, as if to say hello.

Neanderthal man retreats before the obelisk, innately fearing that which he doesn’t understand, and I stepped back away from the Neorest with his same apprehension.

Rob proceeded to rattle off the Neorest's features: the proximity detector, the seat warmer, the wall-mounted control panel, and the conspicuous lack of a toilet paper dispenser.

Warily I stepped back into the Neorest's proximity so Rob could show me each button on its control panel and describe its function. As he did so, I came to understand why there was no need for a toilet paper dispenser. The buttons controlled a jet stream of water that shoots up from the rear of the toilet basin; they regulate the intensity of this stream, which can also be adjusted to pulsate or oscillate according to personal preference. Once the jet stream had washed your bottom clean, there was another button to control a drying mechanism from inside the basin, again adjustable to one’s preferences.

I asked about a button on the control panel that illustrated a jet stream shooting at a reverse angle -- from the front of the basin backwards. Rob mentioned this was ‘for the ladies’ and recommended that I not push it. (Later, I would be tempted to ... but, in the end, I'd be able to restrain myself. My struggle with the temptation reminded me of the following classic Ren & Stimpy clip:)

He did recommend that, as a Neorest novice, I should use the ‘soft’ jet stream setting. If I was feeling daring, I was welcome to use the ‘regular’ stream, though he cautioned I might find it a bit intrusive. I was also encouraged to play with the buttons adjusting pulsation and oscillation if I felt like experimenting.

“If at any time you feel uncomfortable with what the Neorest is doing,” Rob said, “you can press this large, orange button for manual shutdown.”

The fact that Neorest could possibly do something to my ass that necessitated installation of a ‘panic’ button compelled me to step back away from it again. I declined Rob’s offer to ‘take her for a spin’ and, later that evening after dinner, opted to use the good ol’ American Standard in his home’s downstairs bathroom.

However, the next morning, after some strong coffee, I found myself standing outside the Neorest's bathroom doorway. To say my nervous excitement was analogous to that of my first sexual experience would be (admittedly) hyperbolic, but a similar feeling was there, albeit muted.

But that was where any similarities between the two experiences ended. There was nothing similar about the two afterward. In fact, I found myself wishing that my first sexual experience had been as gratifying as that with the Neorest.

With its lid opening upon my entry into the bathroom, and its seat warm to greet my ass cheeks as I sat down, my apprehension passed quickly. Neorest put me at ease that first time together in a way Wendy never had even attempted. I had remained tense in her company throughout our mutual deflowering.

And after I was through, Neorest knew exactly what to do. On the recommended 'soft' setting, its jet stream of water was just forceful enough to get the job done. What is truly amazing is that it hit its target with laser-guided precision from the outset, with no need for calibration. Nary a trickle of water misguidedly splashed a butt cheek. Really, I cannot stress enough how impressed I was by its accuracy. The drying mechanism was sufficient, too. I had to dab my backside with a little tissue afterward, but that hardly detracted from the experience.

Neorest did its job professionally and tenderly, and made my first experience shitting with it a memorable one. It now makes me wish I had my first sexual experience with someone other than Wendy, an older woman who knew what she was doing, maybe a prostitute even.

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